Why this conversation matters
A will sets out what you want to happen after you die. But if you don't talk to your family about it while you're alive, they're left guessing what you meant, why you made certain choices, and whether they're doing the right thing.
Talking about your wishes doesn't mean asking for permission or justifying every decision. It means giving the people you care about context, reducing confusion, and preventing conflict when they're already dealing with grief. It's one of the most considerate things you can do.
When to have it
There's no perfect time, but some moments work better than others:
- After you've made or updated your will
- During a calm family gathering (not Christmas or a birthday)
- When someone else you know has died and estate issues have come up
- When you're sorting through your own affairs and it feels natural
- Before a big life change (selling property, retiring, moving)
Don't wait for a health crisis. People are more receptive when it's not urgent.
How to start
The hardest part is the first sentence. Here are a few ways to open the conversation:
Try saying:
"I've been sorting out my will, and I wanted to talk to you about what I've decided."
Try saying:
"This might feel awkward, but I think it's important you know what's in my will so there are no surprises later."
Try saying:
"I've named you as a beneficiary in my will, and I want to explain why I've done things the way I have."
Try saying:
"When [friend/relative] died, their family had no idea what they wanted. I don't want that to happen to you."
What to cover
You don't need to read out your entire will. Focus on what will matter most to your family:
- Who you've named as executor and why
- The broad strokes of who gets what (especially if it's not equal)
- Any specific gifts or sentimental items
- What you want done with the family home
- Your funeral wishes (burial, cremation, ceremony)
- Where the will is kept and how to access it
If there's something you think might surprise or upset someone, address it directly. Silence creates room for misunderstanding.
Common reactions and how to handle them
They don't want to talk about it: "I know it's uncomfortable, but I need you to know this. We don't have to talk about it for long."
They get upset about your choices: You don't owe anyone a justification, but you can explain your reasoning if it helps. Stay calm. This is your decision.
They ask to change your mind: Listen, but make it clear the conversation is about informing them, not negotiating. "I've thought about this carefully, and this is what I've decided."
They want more detail than you're comfortable sharing: It's okay to keep some things private. "I've told you the important parts. The rest is in the will."
What NOT to do
- Don't use your will as a threat or bargaining tool
- Don't spring it on someone during an argument
- Don't expect everyone to be grateful or agree with your choices
- Don't apologise for decisions you've made thoughtfully
Next steps
After the conversation, follow up with practical details. Tell your executor where the will is kept. If you've promised something to someone, make sure it's actually in the will.
If the conversation goes badly, give it time. People often need space to process. You've done the right thing by being honest.